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(no subject) [Jul. 23rd, 2006|11:14 am]
it has been almost a year since i wrote in this journal. there have been times where i've wanted to, but haven't.
for quite some time now i've been experiencing what some would call a spiritual flux or a dark night of the soul, spiritually.
haven't been sure how to connect, or to whom i should connect with and in some cases, why?
the whom and how have been the trickiest.
i've been having doubts on who is actually out there. who it is that answers my prayers. what name am i to give the divine.
and why would they be listening to me at that exact moment when i need them to when there are so many other folks that need them for much more serious matters at that exact same time.
a few weeks ago i had a dream that was so profound and resonated with me for days on end.
i dreamt that my husband and i were at this crossroads by this field that is just a few minutes up the road from where we live. we had walked there and then we were just milling about. not really having any purpose, we were just there.
suddenly there were all of these low-flying airplanes. mostly just the little ones. but there was the odd big jet-type too.
i instantly had a feeling of dread come over me. i knew that we had to somehow get ourselves out of there, but the planes were crowding in around us.
then one of the little planes just starting zooming towards the ground and it was going to crash within a few feet from us.
i grabbed my husband's hand and i yelled 'we have to pray! quickly, we have to pray!'
we both stood there and stared at each other and the noise from the planes was getting louder and then the little one hit the ground and started to roll towards us, just about to hit us.
i yelled 'who do we pray to??? we don't know who to pray to! we're going to die b'cuz we don't know who to pray to?!?'
all i kept thinking was we're going to die b'cuz we don't know who would be the best diety to ask for assistance to during this kind of thing.
and then just as the wing of the plane was about to smash into us, i woke up.
i felt that what this dream was telling me was that b'cuz i was so stressed about all the different dieties out there, and that i hadn't felt any kind of major connection in some time that i had died b'cuz of that.
it made me think that if i were judeo-christian i would have just prayed to god immediately to help me.
but within paganism there are so many gods for so many different needs and cultures that in a desperate time of need i couldn't come up with anyone, so we weren't helped.
i know that none of that actually matters. that all gods are one god. that it doesn't really matter whom you ask for help from. it's all about your level of faith and your intent and your open heart.
but it really made me think.
so just a few days ago i went for a walk that turned into the most unbelievable hour and a half hike.
i walked up the road to where the dream occurred.
i sprinkled meadowsweet for goddess-essence and to give thanx for any and all dieties that have been ever-present in my life.
on my entire journey i encountered 14 different black and orange monarch butterlies.
the butterfly has always been one of my most obvious totems.
but 14 of them?!
wow. it was unbelievable.
i walked down to this little stream and i stepped down under the bridge.
i left offerings in the lightly flowing water of sage, lavender, mugwort and meadowsweet.
when i arrived home, i was sun-kissed and sweaty and so extremely exhilirated.
i felt brand new.
alive within my own world.
for a coupla weeks leading up to this point, i physically was unwell.
weary and drained and just little bits of me not working quite so right.
but that day and that journey, left me feeling awake and alive again.
spiritually i felt better.
i still don't quite know who is out there and who to pray to.
there are people in my life who have just one matron or patron diety. and they give their offerings and prayers to that particular god for all of life's blessings and strifes.
i think for me i just need to have faith that my prayers, no matter who they are directed at, will be answered.
have faith.

"If God had a name what would it be?"
joan osborne

the key [Aug. 2nd, 2005|09:37 pm]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |'eternal dance' by gabrielle roth and the mirrors]

i entered into Her realm, on my own. i was my own guide, my own teacher, my own priestess.
i took myself down a familiar path and at the bridge two of her 3 aspects were there. a young, rebellious black-winged, faery gurl. stripey tights, dark make-up and an attitude. she handed me a bright red apple. the second was a bit older. more nurturing, motherly. she had jet black straight hair and wore a long flowy black and dark red dress with short capped sleeves. she handed me a feather and motioned for me to cross the bridge.
when i reached a circle of trees there was a big fire blazing and the third womyn standing on the other side of it. but it appeared as though she were standing within the bright flames.
she was the oldest. again with the dark black hair but this time she had one thick silver streak coming down the front. partially framing her aged but gentle face. she was wearing a cloak of ebony wings over a long velvet dress.
she asked me if i was wary of her. if i came to her with trepidation. with fear in my heart.
i told her that i was afraid. that i spent much of my time in fear of the darkness. in fear of tough challenges. afraid of the unkown.
she was kind and loving. she told me that i need not fear her in any of her forms. that she was always there to protect me.
she informed me that i need not go looking outside of myself for strength, courage and wisdom. that each one of these were inside of me at all times. that all i needed was the key to unlock them whenever i felt i needed them the most.
she placed a beautiful long necklace made of shiny black and deep red beads with a silver key dangling as the centre piece around my neck.
she took my hand in hers and touched it to her cheek. it is wrinkly but soft.
she then steps into the fire and instantly becomes the crow and the flames vanish.
at that moment the two other aspects of the morrigan walk up the path and shift into crows. the three of them lightly pick me up and i fly with them carrying me across the bridge, down the path and back to the water where i began my journey.
i take my time and slowly emerge back into my earthly body.

'Dark Moon'
by Patricia Monaghan

"She is invisible.
Yes, she rises, yes she sails the sky, yes she sets. And yes,
she pulls oceans in her wake, and yes she pulls the tides within us so that some secret self awakens under dark spell and silently sings.
But invisibly.
In sunset's conflagration she hovers like a ghostly lover.
In dawn's red gold she hides like a memory. In a bright day she is there, shadowing the light. She is there, she is always there,
even when the empty night rings with her absence as she floats veiled in light on the shadowless side of Earth.
It is midnight. I want to call on her, to open my empty heart so that, in a great flood of life, I will be filled. I raise my arms, lift them, throw back my head and stare up to the black center of the night. The sky flickers distantly. No cool and steady light, no crystal arch, no pearl eye, nothing.
And yet. And yet.
My blood a tidepool. My heart an ocean. My soul pulled to her, dark mother, dark matter, presence in absence, great mystery. Some part of me, riding always with her invisible even to myself, deep taproot in earth, not distant or absent at all.
Invisible. Yes. Secret fullness. Yes.
Power. Yes. Yes. Yes.
I see her. Finally.


(no subject) [Jun. 20th, 2005|08:21 pm]
where am i spiritually? what is happening in my life with my existence? with my faith? my heart?
i feel like i've been in a spiritual 'flux' for a while now. what am i searching for? who am i searching for? are they listening? is anyone even out there? why is listening to my prayers, my requests, my doubts and worries, a top priority? if answers don't come right away, does that mean that no one is home? no one can hear me? am i talking to the wrong spirits?
do i need to shut up long enough? maybe i'm not listening.
i want and need so much. maybe i'm spiritually greedy right now. maybe i want so much that i'm so confused as to how and where to go for it.
maybe i need to get out of my own way. just relax and step aside and be open to what is out there. be ready for anything, but not expect so much.
or maybe i need to go out and get what i need and want and quit waiting for it to be brought to me on a silver platter, all pretty and perfect. maybe life doesn't happen that way.
i want to live everyday filled with spirit. have my heart bursting at the seams with faith and joy and prayer. again, maybe i'm asking for too much. i need to honour and enjoy the simple things. the simple processes. not everything is 'smoke and mirrors'. the assumed insignificant can be so significant.
i wish i had the answers.
recently i was told by the spirit of Isis, that i do. but do i? wouldn't i know if i did?
i think i need to stop asking so many questions.
i need to relax and allow the answers to flow when they are good and ready.
life can't be pushed and pulled and stressed. it needs to flow. it needs to breathe.
i need to flow.
i need to breathe.

daily quote:
'you don't see me
i don't see you
you don't call me
i don't call you
you don't know me
i don't know you
and my spirit is
moaning this sound
for you
and my spirit sings'
"morgan le fay"
by celeste alayne

share the joy [Feb. 9th, 2005|08:18 am]
[mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]
[music |from the goddess by robert gass and on wings of song]

it was imbolc. the festival of lights. a ceremony of creativity, healing and a time to reconnect with the great mother Briid. goddess of poets and healers.
we were led on a journey to her cottage. deep within the woods stood her little home. i went inside the opened door and found her sitting in a rocking chair behind a long wooden table. there was a hole in the middle of it with a deep, dark cauldron placed within it. there were dishes of herbs and fruits scattered amongst the table.
the goddess was beautiful. her hair matched the flames of the hearth fire behind her. she sat contentedly and i went to her and knelt at her feet and placed my head in her lap.
i expressed my feelings of always worrying, always being afraid. she caressed my hair and took the ladle from the cauldron and scooped up the rose water and sprinkled it over my hair and face. she told me that people didn't want to hear about all of my troubles anymore. it was time for me to share the joy. she started to chant it, 'share the joy, share the joy' until it became a beautiful song and filled the entire room and i could feel it resonating within my body, mind and soul.
i felt those words. i felt the stress lifting.
but the whole time i was in the cottage and when i left and she was standing at the door of her cabin, there were very dark crones peering at me from each corner of her home and from under her skirts as she waved at me from the door way. i wasn't sure what they meant. what they represented. i have not spent much time with the darker aspects of the mother. i've always associated more with her maiden and mother images. i've always been more maiden-y in nature, myself. and i've always felt much comfort and solace with the great mother goddess in all her many forms. i wasn't sure what the dark womyn leering in the corners meant. were they really there? did Briid know they were there?
when it was time to leave i felt unsure of what to do. i stood at the threshold of returning to my earthly self but i also felt like i was supposed to stay.
i think its probably time that i spent time with the crone goddess. its time we properly met. maybe she has messages for me that i'm only meant to receive from her and her alone. maybe its time i put my fears of dealing with the darkness aside. and looked at it as a time of going inside. into that inner cave within all of us. where our secrets are revealed. maybe its my time. but while i'm at it, i think i'm meant to find a balance within myself. find that place within me that just so wants joy and only joy and to just start sharing it, spreading it, and as ralph waldo emerson says 'sprinkle joy'. maybe i was receiving two messages that night. messages of light and dark. maybe that's why i wasn't sure if i should stay or not. i've definitely always had a horrific time making decisions. maybe that's all that was. was realizing that i didn't have to decide. that i could have both. and the interesting thing is, out of all the pathworkings i've done over the years, this is the only one that i've been able to go back to on my own and often. and instantly see and hear and feel that goddess. so maybe that was it. i could leave and be back here but also always know that i could go to her, be in that cozy, warm cottage again, at a moments notice. i have the choice. i've always had the choice.

daily quote:
"she opens her arms to you,
and suddenly she is all that you desire:
arms to hold you, a breast to weep upon,
a murmuring voice to sing in your ear,
a softness that is more comfort than you have ever known.
she is sweet water in the dark forest.
she is abandoned dreams restored.
she is all the world at once, and all the time you need."
from 'crone' by patricia monaghan

nepata cataria [Jan. 27th, 2005|11:13 am]
[mood |calmcalm]
[music |delerium's poem cd]

there is such a sense of 'oh yeah, someone really is guiding me' when you are drawn to something that is so perfectly meant for you and you alone.
we had our full moon ritual in toronto on tuesday night at the home of the goodwitch. it was lovely. the room was filled with an altar of plants, herbs and concoctions as far as the eye could see. there was an earthy healingness that enveloped you as soon as you entered.
there were many bowls of ground herbs throughout the ritual space and we were asked to go and find the one that called to us. to smell it, dig our fingers into it and take it with us with the folded piece of paper underneath.
when we were standing in the circle my eyes immediately went to a bowl on a high shelf that was close to my eye level. i was drawn to the bowl b'cuz from where i was standing i thought it had blue knotwork all around it. as soon as i went to it i realized it wasn't knotwork at all, but tiny blue stars and crescent moons dancing around its sphere. even better! even more appropriate for me. i lifted the bowl and smelt the heavy aroma and dug my fingers in. as the rest of the tribe spent much time communing with each and every herb, i knew that this one, the one and only one i went to was meant for me. and it was all b'cuz of the bowl. i instantly felt drawn to it and knew that i was supposed to have the herb that was nestled inside of that night-sky dish.
once everyone had returned to the circle and was seated we were asked to look at our papers and find out which herb was meant to heal us and be with us. which herb we would take some time getting to know and using all of its properties of healing and blessings.
i received catnip. nepata cataria is its latin name. its ruling planet is venus, its element air. its magical uses are animals, consecration, dreams, harmony, peace, rest, sleep and tranquility.
for healing it is used for stress related conditions such as anxiety, depression, and mood swings. it is also helpful in heart conditions such as high blood pressure and palpitations. its great for fevers and in dealing with the emotional side of female reproductive problems.
well my goddess isn't that just screaming me?! i have a mild heart murmur and in the last handful of months have had severe heart palpitations due to high stress. i tend to have vicious mood swings when i am pre-menstrual, and anxiety tends to follow me everywhere. i am ALWAYS searching for peace, harmony and tranquility on a daily basis. like its a pot of gold waiting at the end of some long, arduous journey.
i feel i'm going to learn a lot from this herb. i'm going to spend lots of time letting it nurture me, heal me, and guide me.

daily quote:
'i will be gentle with myself
i will love myself,
i am a child of the universe
being born each moment'
pagan chant

self-worth [Jan. 14th, 2005|10:10 am]
[mood |enthralledenlightened]
[music |a.m. yoga chants 'namaskar']

it's like my last post was an invitation. 9 days later i set out to do a ritual for myself. for awhile now i've been wanting to do a ritual where i become my own best friend. at first i thought i needed to have all of these elements present before i could successfully perform this ceremony. but as i've learned in my experiences, some of the best rituals that take place are the ones with little or no preparation. i still wasn't quite sure. i felt like i was supposed to have a matron goddess that would be my guide on this journey. almost like my spiritual best friend. so then i thought maybe i should do a ritual to explore finding a goddess before actually taking part in the 'becoming my own best friend' aspect.
what i *finally* decided, was to just clear my mind (as best as i could) and put away any expectations and just take part in a ritual and see what happened and where it took me.
well my goddess, i believe i've finally had my smoke and mirrors experience. that's the only way i know how to describe it. it was all too real.
i had a ritual bath and entered the temple naked. i stood by our window and felt the glow of the half moon warming me through the bare trees. i knelt down between two of my altars. my personal one and my caer avalon one. not on purpose. that's just where i ended up. i decided to choose a goddess amulet from my set by nancy blair. i received the ewe. representing self-worth. it seemed perfect. it emphasized that now was the time for me and to encourage my own value, accomplishments, gifts and talents. it suggested repeating the mantra 'i am' over and over. so at this point, i closed the book and held the amulet in my hands and i looked forward and noticed that i was sitting exactly like the goddess image i have on my CA altar was sitting. its this beautiful image that has always spoke volumes to me. it's from the book 'celtic women' by lyn webster wilde. this picture just completely depicts the earth mother to me. she is kneeling in water with lily pads and lotus flowers and little fish floating around her. there is a forest behind her and a big round rainbow-like sun image. her hair is long and greenish blue and she has blue spiral designs decorating her naked, very full body.
i slowly started chanting 'i am, i am, i am'. over and over while my eyes were softly focused on the goddess. i picked up a blue body pencil i had and began to draw the spirals on my body that the goddess adorned. not even really realizing that i was doing this.
i began to chant the mantra louder and louder and my eyes closed and i felt myself rocking back and forth. as i got louder and louder i could have sworn that there were like 50 voices, all mine, chanting with me behind me. i thought if i opened my eyes and turned around i would see 50 naked me's, covered in spirals, naked and chanting. but i just kept my eyes closed and felt like i was somewhere entirely different than my meditation room. i felt like i was kneeling right across from the goddess in that swamp-like pond.
instantly, i just stopped. it was the perfect moment. and i just stopped. i very slowly opened my eyes. i re-adjusted to where i was and looked behind me to make sure i was the only one in the room. i took a few deep breaths and then looked down at my lap.
this is it. this is where i was instantly knocked out of ritual mode and began to freak out somewhat.
on my thighs, beginning on one and ending the design on the other, was the EXACT depiction of the ewe image on the goddess amulets!
exactly! instantly my rational brain went into over-load trying to come up with a reasonable explanation. my first thought was that the pencil markings from the spirals must have somehow transferred onto my lap. but there was no physically possible way for this to happen. none. and the markings on my legs were a light earthy, clay-like colour. and the spirals on my stomach and arms were a dark, heavy purple-y blue.
i ended the ritual quickly. i went to put my clothes back on and went into the bathroom to look at my legs with a lot of light. and the design was still x-tremely present. it was there for the rest of the night and gone in the morning when i woke up. the spiral designs didn't fade from my body for well over a week.
this freaked me out so much that i haven't really given myself much time to think about it or process it. writing it all out now almost a month later has me realizing it is now time to explore it more.
i looked up all of the goddesses associated with the ewe amulet and i think its time that i spent some time with each of them and explored them more and find out what they may or may not have to say to me.
this entire experience felt like a 'be careful what you wish for' type thing. i desperately wanted the goddess to show herself to me and she did. not that it turned out to be a bad thing. not at all. but i wanted it so badly, that i don't think i thought of what it would be like if it really and truly happened.
now that i've addressed it and have written it all out and remembered all of the feelings and things that occured that night i'm just like...wow!
i think by that image becoming a part of my being, was the goddess actually visiting me and saying that 'yes, it IS time for you to be good to you and realize how special you really are in this world'. it's something i don't believe and maybe its time i did.

daily quote:
'guru brahma guru vishnu guru deyvo maheshwara
guru sakshad para brahman tasmai shree gurave namaha'
we adore the creator, preserver and the great One who is the all
pervasive reality and who is present in all things and all beings as the teacher, the guide, the dispeller of darkness.'
*from a.m. yoga chants*

finding faith in the divine [Dec. 8th, 2004|06:31 pm]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |sacred gateways 'kodosh/allah hu']

i feel like i'm on a desperate search for the divine. and also for divine peace to just all of a sudden produce itself within me. i don't know how many more spiritual/self-help books i can read and have revelation after revelation in, but have nothing profoundly change my life. i've always been waiting for the smoke and mirrors. there is something within me, that believes that at that moment i will then truly know and believe that there is a divine presence working just for me and me alone. i *want* to believe and i usually think i do. but deep down in the depths of my soul, i don't know what or who it is i believe in. i put faces and names to the divine and i've begged the goddess to make herself known to me. but b'cuz it hasn't happened in this flashy hollywood style, i start to doubt that she really exists. i know that's crazy and unfair. i know i've seen the goddess. i see her in all the subtleties of my everyday life. in nature and in people that enter into my world. but i guess i want tangeable proof. maybe i'm asking for too much. maybe i'm trying to hard. i know a lot of it has to do with trust. trusting that she really exists and that she is listening when i call to her. even if i don't see 'results' or answers right away, i need to trust that she works in her own mysterious ways and on her own clock. i've lost a lot of faith over the last little while, but without even realizing it, i had hung for dear life to it. i thought it was gone. but if it was absolutely gone, then i think i would have been gone too. and i nearly was. a few times. but *something* kept me here. something held on to me. or i held onto something. and that must have been faith. even though i didn't realize it at the time. maybe the goddess was whispering to me that everything would be okay. maybe she whispered it to me, in the form of friends and family that kept checking on me and sending me cards of love and encouragement. maybe she whispered it to m'love, who kept supporting me and loving me when i didn't think i deserved it. who knows. but i want to know. i so badly want proof. but is that right? should i just trust in it, without the proof. should i just open my heart to all that she is and know that she hears me. and that she answers.

daily quote:
"our faith comes in moments...
yet there is a depth in those brief moments
which constrains us to ascribe more reality
to them than to all other experiences."
ralph waldo emerson

the dark night of the soul [Oct. 30th, 2004|01:16 pm]
[mood |calmbreathing]
[music |dead can dance 'spiritchaser' cd]

it's the time of samhain. the new year. a time to shed old habits, old ways that no longer work for me. it's time for me to go inward. it's time to be my own best friend. it's time to take care of myself for a change and not constantly worry about everyone else and what's happening with them and how their life affects mine. that doesn't mean i won't continue to be a good friend. it's inherent in me. but i need to take care of me first. or else there won't be much left of me very soon. i feared for my own life the other night. i was so tired and so done with pleasing others and not being able to reach such high standards that are put on me mostly by myself and sometimes by others, that i just didn't think i could go on anymore. i was surprised to actually see the daylight of the following day. but i was so grateful that i did, as i had loved ones waiting for me, that love me unconditionally and that was a wonderful and much needed feeling.
the dark half of the year very much can be like entering into the dark night of the soul. for some it's truly a wonderful time. for others, so dark, so deep, so far from sunshine and light. something is changing within me, i can feel it. i don't know what it is or what the outcome will be, but i need to embrace the change and just let it be whatever it will be.
a dear friend keeps telling me that i am not broken. that i don't need fixing. i want to believe that. i want to be loved and appreciated exactly how i am. i need to hold close those that do and be wary of those that don't.
i know that i'm the only one that can bring a sense of peace to myself. and maybe if i have peace, i can share it with others. as i too, need to love and appreciate people just as they are, unconditionally.

daily quote:
'cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
but when you feel so powerless what are you gonna do
so say what you want'
nelly furtado

community [Oct. 20th, 2004|12:11 pm]
[mood |lovedloved]
[music |om of the goddess]

my mother was here recently and she always talks about the people in her church and how they will stop at nothing to help one another. help people move, look after their children when they are sick, pray together, etc. and i realized how lucky and blessed i am. the community that surrounds me is quite different from that of my parents pentacostal church. our community is sometimes a little harder to find. i can't just walk into a building every sunday morning and know that everyone that needs me and everyone that i need is sitting right there waiting. but i've been amazed at how much love encompasses me and my life.
a lot has happened in my world this past year. many changes and upheaval-ness. but the encouragement that has been shown to me has been overwhelming. people that aren't necessarily a part of my every day support system are the ones that have surprised me. people that have gone out of their way to spread some joy, concern and love have just bowled me over. it means the world. people that i've only met once but will do something kind and meaningful just to pass on some peace. peace should be passed along. shared together. we all need a sense of peace in our lives.
i'm just so grateful for my community. it's beautiful, loving, nurturing and full of warmth. i hope i never take it for granted the love that encircles me.

daily quote:
"...we will know each other in city or forest,
despite continents and oceans, we will know
each other as much, as little as
we know ourselves..."
patricia monaghan

happiness [Oct. 19th, 2004|07:52 pm]
[mood |contemplativeintrospective]
[music |journey with the whales]

i can't decide if i'm happy. should happiness be a decision? or is it a place that always resides within us and certain times we dig down and bring it out and other times we bury it deep inside and cover it up with all of our fears and anxieties?
there has only been a few times in my life where i have felt truly happy. but the more i think of it, i don't even know if that's true. i think i've had a lot of happy moments. but if they weren't something truly significant than i've brushed them off as not being a real substantial piece of happiness. i think we tell ourselves that we can't be happy. we shouldn't be. so even if a possible moment of happiness is occurring we say 'oh no, i wasn't truly happy'.
and what is true happiness? i think its different for everyone. obviously. what makes one person happy may very well not make another one feel that way.
maybe my problem is analyzing it too much. i've always said 'i don't trust happy'. i think i've just gotten used to that feeling, that answer. who says i need to trust it. maybe i just need to experience it. to live it. to be it. to soak myself in its glorious bliss and not question when it will end or why it occurred. just bathe for that moment, however long that is, in its ecstasy.
i always say that i want happiness. as if its something to obtain or purchase at a store. like it'll come in this neatly wrapped package and once i open it up all its warmth and bright colours will just wash all over me and i'll be instantly drugged by its rapture.
that sounds so thrilling! and moving and spiritual. but also startling and shocking. i think happiness should be like a warm bubble bath. you just dip your first toe in and its like velvet on your skin. warm, soft and you ease ever-so-slowly into its wake. nothing jarring. no surprises. its just there. waiting nearby. always obtainable because its always within you.
so maybe i don't have to choose happiness. maybe i just need to not bury it so far beneath the surface. maybe i need to keep the warm waters running at all times. so i can refill the tub at a moments notice.

daily quote:
"happiness is not a matter of events; it depends upon the tides of the mind."
alice meynell

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